TGB: Coud - It's Happening Again

It's happening again.

It had been hours, and still Coud paced. Not once had his heart ceased to race, as though he'd run and wrestled and played for days. But he hadn't, and the pounding of his pulse felt suffocating, like his heart was expanding in his chest and smothering his lungs. Each breath was a labour, and his vision was buzzing with black static. All of his legs were shaking, and with every step he took it felt like they would vanish from beneath him. Shoulders trembling, he dropped his head for the hundredth time and tried to gasp in a steady breath. It caught in his throat and his chest hitched as he tried to swallow a sob.

Lully. Digging his paws into the ground, he spun and raced towards the deputy's den-- they slid to a stop, head swinging around towards the leader's den. Dizziness made the world spin and he found himself unable to move, stuck in a stupor as his body swayed back and forth.

I can't be left behind again, his voice pleaded in his mind, choked sobs muffled against Lully's fur. The older cat had always been someone Coud loved, trusted, confided in. He couldn't be left behind again. His paws itched, twitched to run after Percy, to find him, to join him-- to finally see the world he had sworn he would always adventure, uncover, experience. The world he had promised Kyle that they would see together.

But it wasn't the right time-- his nieces and his nephews, he had to see them grow up. And Kintsu-- he couldn't leave Kintsu now. And Iris, he still had to tell her if they were leaving. And he'd never given his gift to the Silver-Shadow, and he wouldn't get to see Lully's new kittens.

Shoulders shaking in silence, he found his legs carrying him out of camp, lightheaded an completely unaware of himself, of what was around him.

His paws led him over the familiar border, across a territory he knew as though it were ingrained in his skin. The sensation of brimming along the surface, as though he were about to spill, nearly overwhelmed him. Stepping into the camp of his home didn't rouse him; nor did crossing the clearing and slowly entering the den that his body went to on reflex. All despair in his childhood had followed him out of nightmares and chased him here, so many times. Countless times, it felt to his young mind. The scent had soothed him like nothing else, and the deputy had allowed him to sleep there until morning when his mother came to find him and scold him for wandering off.

Mom.

Despair crashed down on him and his expression cracked. Tears overflowed as he sank to the ground, pushing his face into the moss and sobbing.

Ruby.

Cries tore themselves from his throat as he curled up on the unfamiliar bedding, paws covering his face as he tried to fight off the grief.

Robin!

Shaking his head, he wept, tried to refuse the reality around him. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair.

Kyle.

He'd lost so much, but he'd never felt loss like this. Not since Kyle left.

And he was too young to be so affected by it at that time.

Percy.

He wanted to go, so badly-- to chase after Percy, and Julian-- to find his brother-- to find Kyle-- to keep his promise, to see the world.

He needed to go...

[...]

He can't have known what he would find when he followed the whispers to his den, but there is a weight on Kintsu's chest nonetheless. Seeing Coud curled up, sniffling and crying softly, hiding his face in the moss--

It used to be Castail's scent that soothed him so, but his nostrils were filled with Kintsu's now. Another reason he couldn't leave.

-- breaks something in his heart and he takes an unsteady step forward. Seeing Coud like this-- all of the hurt and the pain surges right back up and he sinks to the ground. He pushes himself against the other and lets go, dropping his defenses and his guards and his barriers and letting the flood crash over him.

And seeing Kintsu cry, feeling the sobs wrack his body-- he wants so badly to be the voice of reason that he's always managed to be before, for his older sister and his littermates and his friends.

But he can't.

Their crying mingles and they lean on each other, grasp and press against one another, sobbing and understanding-- feeling-- sharing--

He can't speak. There aren't words.



It takes hours before their eyes are dry, their fur damp and caked with salt, their chests shivering with each breath and hitching as the pain continues to cover them in their sleep. Their legs tangled, their chests close-- their hearts beating hard, together, for each other-- it won't make anything better, and that grief will still be there when they wake up. The problems won't disappear, and the losses will keep coming. They'll never escape it.

But they have this. And they need this.